Thursday, May 6, 2010

What have I learnt about myself in the last year as I have lead Resolved?

This last year has been great for me as I have sought to lead Resolved as best I can. I have learnt a lot about ministry and God in this time but I think I have learnt most about myself. Here are only a few of the things that I have learnt about myself:
• My chief sin is pride. I have found that a lot of the times this year when I have sinned, it has been rooted in pride. When I am ungrateful it is because I think I deserve more. When I am jealous of another person’s ministry it is because I think I need more success or deserve more success. I think, in the end, these are matters of pride. One of the evidences of God’s grace I have seen is that I have a church full of people either keeping me accountable or helping me not to take myself too seriously by humorously by ripping me off! I have seen these two things weakening my pride. But I know I need to live for Jesus and His glory and not my own - I guess that is the true answer to my pride issues.
• I may be a Calvinist in my theology but I find that hard to live out. When I preach a crap sermon I find myself thinking ‘What was the point of that?’ I need to see that God has, and will, call people to himself regardless of how winsome my sermon is. I preach the doctrines of grace but I find it hard to live out practically in my preaching.
• I hate playing the bad cop. As a leader, I need to hold people accountable and sometimes, in rare occasions, I need to ask some people to step down from ministry. I have found this hard to do, not because I hate confrontation but because I want people to like me. This in the end is pride!
• I am disorganized, but getting better in that. As a leader, I need to be organized and I find that because of my spontaneous side, I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type of guy. I have seen how damaging this can be for my church and for people around me who need things to be organized and communicated well. I have been getting better by keeping a diary, making sure I come through on stuff, etc. Also my wife has been helping me get organized!
• I need to be far more thankful for what God is doing in other ministries. I sometimes find myself looking at other people and their ministries and being bitter. For example, I see the way God is blessing the whole RICE Movement, and early last year I was very bitter - so much so, I joked about how I am going start an evangelistic movement just for white kids and call it ‘Cracker’! I need to keep reminding myself that it is not MY TEAM or BRAND that I am building, but God’s team and therefore when God is doing amazing things in other ministries, I need to give thanks to God for the way He is working!
• I am thankful that I have read so much theology! I read heaps and I have seen the benefits of that this year. When I have sat down across from people who have significant pastoral issues, I have had a theological background on which to call when needed. I have been called back to God’s sovereignty in salvation when either there have been heaps of people at Resolved or there haven’t been as many as I would have liked. I have been comforted by the sovereignty of God when I have seen my dad struggle with cancer. I know God is in control of my dad’s cancer and so I can trust Him.
• I am a saved sinner. Preaching week in and week out, I have seen my constant need for a Saviour, and how Jesus and His death is far more glorious and far more worthy of glory. This year, I have seen the cross as far more glorious as I have been seeing my own sin more clearly!

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